The Memoirs of Dirty Kafir

Monday, August 29, 2005

Sheehan Brothers and Sharpton & Duke Circus

Since the media is fixed upon Cindy Sheehan and her band of around 200 Communists, Socialists, baby-killer advocates (Code Pink), neo-Nazis, ex-Klansmen in David Duke, has-been musicians (Joan Baez), celebrities (Martin Sheen and Viggo Mortenson) and of course the Reverend Al Sharpton, the Dirty Kafir feels he needs to weigh in on the matter.

According to NYT columnist Maureen Dowd, Cindy Sheehan has "absolute moral authority." The Dirty Kafir assumes then the only family members of fallen soldiers can comment on foreign policy. Well, the Dirty Kafir is a family member of a fallen U.S. soldier, in fact two, therefore he can comment on the lunacy out of "Camp Casey" only because he has Dowd's "moral authority" to do so.

What doesn't go together the most? The San Francisco University Communists who advocate the violent overthrow of the United States with other protestors saying they love the United States which is why they made their trip to Crawford or the neo-Nazis, David Duke's support and Al Sharpton? Al Sharpton used to be all for rights of minorities, and the Sheehan crew is certainly the minority as evidenced by photos of a counter-protest over the weekend, but he is also an opportunist. This opportunist though just happens to be fine with surrounding himself around anti-American neo-Nazis and Communists. How does a civil rights advocate mix himself up with people who scream out "white power!"?

The media tries to paint Cindy Sheehan as the voice of the anti-war movement (Where are all the protestors?). Well, as an advocate for the war to rid Iraq of state sponsorship of radical Islamic terrorism and as a supporter of Iraqis pursuing Democracy, the Dirty Kafir thanks the anti-war movement for putting an anti-Semite woman in frontal view. Now this woman is attacking other mothers of soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. Why? Because they are not lock-in-tow with her own views.

The Dirty Kafir feels very sorry for "Mother Sheehan" the so-called "Peace Mom," but the coverage is getting ridiculous. Somehow it's front-page news to note Martin Sheen has visited her in Crawford, TX, yet it's not front-page news of the bomb threat to a store which supports President Bush. It's front-page news concerning her voyage to take care of her mother, but it's not front-page news that there were close to 2,000 people showing up in support of the war. It's front-page news that Joan Baez entertained an anti-war crowd, but they fail to mention there was around 200 people seeing an aging singer advocate impeachment.

The puppet strings of Miss Sheehan have been pulled by a jointed effort of Code Pink and United Peace and Justice, clearly two organizations that were able to coordinate protests against President Bush and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Forget for a moment these groups are against the war in Iraq, they are also against the war in Afghanistan. If this country was run by people of "moral authority" like Miss Sheehan, the Taliban would still be running Afghanistan and women would still be stoned in public for allege misdeeds (fornication *gasp*).

It is truly a circus down there. There's a ringmaster prodding a puppet around. A clown just came in and was stopped by Texas Highway Patrol for traveling 110 miles per hour on a state highway. This clown will soon come out and say Texas DPS is racist against clowns. A few monkeys camp in from day one and urge the head of all circuses to take from the banana runners and distribute all evenly. It would all be funny and good entertainment if this circus was trumpeted as the next coming of Caesar. Actually, it still is funny.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Top Eight Pat Robertson Quotes Not Recorded

8. Tom Cruise recently jumped all over Oprah's couch to declare his love for Katie Holmes, then he proceeded to lecture Matt Lauer of the history of psychology responding to questions of why he attacked Brooke Shields. I think we should strap Cruise down and force him to take anti-depressants so he knows what Shields went through, and then we should put the two in the next Fox Celebrity Boxing special.

7. Rap music is just bad. Sex, drugs and gangsta life has never been for me, nor should it be for any of you. Every time I hear an Eminem song on the radio I change the station only after I try to figure out what is troubling this poor young man. I once talked to his ex-wife, whom he beat repeatedly. She told me I just didn't understand thug life. I don't, but I also don't understand how one of the first white rappers (Vanilla Ice) singing songs from the hood was actually from an affluent suburb of Dallas, TX. Some parents just don't understand the nightmare on my street.

6. The man dubbed "The Piano Man" turns out to be German. Now that's a shock, but he doesn't even play the piano. I haven't talked with Sir Elton John about this, but I seriously think there could be a lawsuit filed against this guy for misrepresenting his condition and his profession. On second thought, let's put him on a tour with American idol reject William Hung. Hung can't sing, the piano man can't play. They'd make a great team I think.

5. The NCAA has taken the step to ban all indian mascots. I'd like to see the Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers mascot be banned. Big Red as they call him, is an affront to every child who has ever been scared of Grimmace. My nephew once could not make it to that bathroom when I took him to McDonald's because Grimmace and the Hamburgler came in. That is just not right.

4. Iran is reportedly two years away from having an atomic bomb. I say we should just go ahead and give them one.

3. Have I ever said anything about "The Piano Man?" Oh I did? I guess I spent too much time daydreaming as a young boy.

2. Google has started up Google Talk which is a way people could talk for free over the Internet. I thought that was what public access television was for? Anyways, I think that's a nifty design, but don't the people worry about the microwaves from the Internet clouding their judgement? I've never used a computer nor care to so thankfully I know my judgement is sound.

1. Iran is reportedly two years away from having an atomic bomb. I say we should just go ahead and give them one.

Why just eight? Because the Dirty Kafir ran out of ideas.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A Conversation Between Howard Dean and BTK

One of the most underreported news stories perhaps of this year is the meeting between DNC Chairman Howard Dean and Dennis Rader, the BTK serial killer. Dean used to live in Wichita, Kansas before he was even the governor of Vermont and while Rader was employed as a dog cather. Dean, a free-wheeling American unafraid to share his own views, met up with an emotionally charged Rader who was a stickler for the law of the land. Below is what entailed.

You're going to have to put your poodle on a leash. It's the law.

I'll tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm not putting Trixie on a leash. She can run around and crap on anyone's lawn. I do so why can't she?

Sir, you are going to or I will have you arrested and I'll deport Trixie to Oklahoma.

Oklahoma, then New Mexico, then Texas, then Arizona, then Utah, then Oregon. Yeeaaggghh!


Let me guess. You're a Repuglican. It is is an all-white Chrisitan party who is destroying this nation. Every Repugican is guilty without a trial while terrorists and serial killers are innocent until proven guilty. One day I'll run the Democratic Party and I'll make you rue the day you made me stiffle Trixie's dissent.

You're even crazier than I am, and I've killed ten people.

Who said you killed ten people? Was it the evil Neo-Con cabal run by the Jews? I know a few good lawyers that could help you fight that. There's . . . uh . . . Lynne Stewart who would help you out as long as you are guilty. She's a bit tied up with defending the Blind Sheikh right now, but I'll call my people to get her to defend you from the hate-filled censors that are Neo-Cons. They want to take the Dennis Raders of the world and lock them away whereas I fight for the common man.

I'll take you up on your offer. Call Lynne Stewart to defend me.

The Next day in Court

Your honor, I'd like to enter a plea of 'Guilty.'

What my client means to say is 'not guilty.' Your honor, Dennis Rader did not murder ten people; he simply was fighting a rebellion against women and families. I have proof in a smuggled letter from the Blind Sheikh that Rader did not do it for the wrong reasons. By the mountain of a mole on my cheek, Rader is not BTK. This is just a conspiracy and the only reason the Wichita police apprehended my client is because he is white. It's all racial profiling and it needs to stop.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Galloway Joins Al Qaida in Iraq and Delcares Death to Dirty Kafir

England MP George Galloway is just not content in saying "two of your beautiful daughters [ed. Jerusalem and Baghdad] are in the hands of foreigners" on Syrian TV. Later Galloway tried to clarify his comments that Bush, Blair and Berlusconi are "imperialists."

"These leaders of the so-called Democracy movement rape and pillage your countryside," Galloway said. "I know as Tony raped me personally while I was trying to break Saddam Hussein out of jail. Saddam and I go way back and we both wanted to continue to subdue Iraqis for our own personal gain, not for the gain of any country."

When asked what the definition of imperialism is, Galloway looked like a deer in headlights and ended his interview. Never shying away from a good story, the Dirty Kafir chased Galloway out of the building in hopes of getting an answer, but Galloway sped away with a nuclear powered jet pack given to him by Iran.

Two weeks later the Dirty Kafir found Galloway in a remote region of Iraq. Next to Galloway was Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

"You don't know what we are trying to do Dirty Coffer [sic]," Galloway said. "My radical Isamic brothers and I wish to turn your homeland into a Caliphate state and force you to live under Sharia Law."

"Excuse Mr. Galloway, it is Kafir, not coffer," the Dirty Kafir said. "And you're not even Muslim so what is this we?"

"It makes no difference as you all look the same," Galloway said. "You all want the money from oil sales which were putting my children through college with the deal Kofi, Saddam and I had worked out."

All the while Zarqawi sat back and seemed to soak in the words from Galloway with an occassional "Allah Ahkbar!" screamed in between long time periods of sobbing hysterically. Strange, but this is whom Galloway has sided with in the conflict with radical Islam.

Instead of opposing a certain method used to combat the threat of radical Islam, Galloway has coddled the terrorist ideology based upon his hatred of anything Bush. According to a fellow moonbat named Jim Reynolds, "The Bushes are everywhere. I see them when I go to work and I see them when I walk my dog. It is Bush infestation."

Is it just Galloway and Reynolds who seem to have misplaced their anger, or is it a good portion of Liberals? In an effort to reach out and try to understand this Bushphobia, the Dirty Kafir traveled to the office of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. Similar to her her earlier comments on the Kelo decision, Pelosi did not take a position and did not know anything about Iraq.

"What is this Iraq you speak of?" Pelosi said. "Isn't our good friend Saddam Hussein still running the country? Now Bush . . . I know Bush, but I prefer to call it Brazilian cut."

The Dirty Kafir was almost speechless from Pelosi's remarks. Not only does a U.S. Congresswoman not know anything about the war in Iraq, she started to talk about personal hygiene. Is it possible people like Pelosi, Dick Durbin, Charles Schumer and George Galloway could be supporting the enemy either through their blind hatred or simple stupidity?

Even if they do not actually support the enemy, the quartet made cameos in Ayman al-Zawahiri's latest 'Good Morning Caliphate' video released this past week. After the Dirty Kafir tracked down Galloway for comment earlier, the British MP has disappeared into the sea of suicide bombers in which Iran has recruited. You just might recognize him by the red stains on his teeth and chin from the Kool Aid.

This is the Dirty Kafir's first ever investigative report. He traveled using his air miles gained from his work as a carney. The best carney are given first class seats instead of riding with the elephants. If you took offense to any of this, well, the truth hurts. Eh?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

The Dirty Kafir was Scammed by Nigerians

What? Isn't it nice to know you are the subject of an Associated Press article but they don't even know your name?

A little background is in order. About two months ago the Dirty Kafir received an email saying he had won the lottery. Hey, people have email addresses as lottery entries and you don't have to sign up for every single one either. It's the glory of the many Internets (thank God Al Gore invented it).

All the email said was to send in the Dirty Kafir's bank account number and a credit card number, so he did without hesitation. After all, who would try to swindle someone online? That is just wrong. The Dirty Kafir never heard back from the lottery company and a month later $5,000 was missing from his bank account. Now the Associated Press runs an article featuring an "Internet scammer" who boasts of taking the Dirty Kafir's money. That is not cool.

It appears this lottery sceme was bogus and originated out of Nigeria by some guy calling himself Kele B. You see, he can't even have a full last name he's so scamming. Despite laws in Nigeria outlawing such scams, he continues and has sent out "tens of thousands" of these emails. Why the Dirty Kafir has received five of those though is beyond him.

So far, Kele says, he has had only one response. But he claims it paid off handsomely. An American took the bait, he says, and coughed up "fees" and "taxes" of more than $5,000, never to hear from Kele again.
Who in their right mind, the Dirty Kafir is not sound of mind, would believe such a ruse? The only good lotteries are in Texas, Powerball and at McDonald's during Monopoly time. It is perfectly legitimate to sink in $1,000 in Big Macs to win a free large french fry or a free ice cream cone. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with spending every spare dollar on lottery tickets that are always won by someone whose name you've never heard of. The thrill of seeing one of your numbers called is worth the fortune you've spent on the tickets.

From now on, the Dirty Kafir will not bother with lotteries and instead will place bets on whether or not the Cubs will win the World Series before or after 2050. Showing even more gross incompetence though, he has said they would. Some people never learn.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Ayman al-Zawahiri: A Man of Many Words

I seem to have misplaced my Bin Laden. Where is my Bin Laden?

Can someone tell me how I got the Mikhail Gorbachev thing on my forehead?

If you don't return my Geritol, I will issue a fatwa on your ass!

Have a better caption? I'm sure you do. Speak up!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Jackson Superfan Buys 7,992 Albums

According to the BBC, Michael Jackson is having a hard time selling albums in the United States. Only 8,000 copies of his new album (how many remixes of Bad or Thriller can we stomach?) were sold.

By comparison, Jackson's album did well in Europe.
Jackson's two-disc set went straight to number two in the UK - but he failed to match that success in his home country.
The Dirty Kafir thought about buying his album, he really did, but there's something about buying an album from a creep and percieved child molester that keeps the Dirty Kafir away. Through hacking into databases the Dirty Kafir has found out who purchased 7,992 copies of Jackson's album. None other than super-fan B.J. Hickman.

You might remember Hickman from the restraining order received after he threatened Court TV anchor Diane Dimond. He's a class act but was inspired to protest against the latest child molestation hearing from the Michael Jackson song 'Will you be there.'

Hickman says he was inspired by Jackson's words in the track "Will You Be There?," released 14 years ago, "In our darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care? Will you be there?"

''Michael Jackson has been here for us, so we have to be there for him,'' he said. "He has helped so many people all over the world. He is the greatest.''

"I believe Michael Jackson has been wrongly accused," he told USA Today. "If he was Paul McCartney, this wouldn't be happening. If he were white and not black, this would not be happening."

“Michael Jackson has given so much to the world. He is music, and it’s not possible that he is guilty, regardless of what the jury says. He will always be a star to us,” Hickman announced to the Miami Herald.

It's also not possible to call Michael Jackson a black man, but Hickman managed to. How Hickman came up with the money to purchase 7,992 coasters no one will ever know as he spent his last dollars on snazzy Jackson t-shirts and buttons. One of his t-shirts which was sold to other Jackson supporters outside the courtroom said "MJ could not have molested that kid, he was too busy molesting mine."